


The Ballette of Swiss Cheese and Fig-Neuten

by BreadedAndFried



Category: CountryHumans, Geography (Anthropomorphic)
Genre: Ahhhhhhhh, As in 1 2 or3 person, But without a knife, Fluff, Gen, Genderless depiction of countries, Hurt/Comfort, I blame the government, If English is second language I'm so sorry, Inconsistent pov, Oneshot, Post WWII, Purposefully bad German, Romantic Fluff, Switzerland would beat you in a knife fight, This reads like a cheesy romance novel, don't ask why this exists, during WWII, i can't write, no i didn't type this blind, okay now to actual tags, this is a joke i swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-08-23 07:42:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20239210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BreadedAndFried/pseuds/BreadedAndFried
Summary: "Swiss cheese looked into Neutrality's non-existent eyes and felt the non-existent arms around their waistit was so perfectthe two of themor, onedepending on whose perspective it's fromthey loved each other, and would never partthey even had 729939202 kids and they were non-existent and beautifulI need help"-Me in a Discord Server, back in July or something, that inspired this whole mess





	The Ballette of Swiss Cheese and Fig-Neuten

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry

"Oh no, not emy books!!!" I thought abouf =t crying because my books were everywhere and my anckle kind of hurt because i think i twisted it or saomtehinf. I did my best to keep my cool and not cry because crying is for the wekk adn i dont want ot be seena s week

"Oh no are you okay ???" You eahr a voice above you smeowhere as you gather your books intio a pile beside you. You look up sharply, trying to hide youtr nint together wywbrows and the gazed-ness-ness-ness fo your eyees. You're emt with a very hunkyt looking non-existing ideea standing over you, a conserned look on theur non-existat face. It's Fig Neuten, from the #NeutralityParty! You've known them for quite a bit noe, having hung out a bit during the g8 war and some other instances.

"I-I'm fine, Neutrality-Senpai. I just need to collect my bookd." Swiss chees's face wa sfeeling a bit how t and their hart was pinrsing very hards.

"Do yo mind if i shelp?"

"Huh? Oh-  
"Thank you, ye spleae," They agather the books that flew farther away frim your reach from wgeer youre sitting. You betathe a sigj of relif, knwoing you wont ahdb to crawlaroufn awkwardsl yon your hands an dnnkess in a skirt, even with panithoes.

"So, why are you carrying so mabe y books?" They pop the question as the two of you get close to dine gathering said books.

"Hm? Oh um,  
"I have so many books beacee s im moving them."

"Why is that, if you don't mind me asking."

"Beacese Thhrisd Reich is a freaking pleb and is burning books." thye end the statement with a huff.

"Hm, i see. Are you thinking of joining in on the rumbble?" Their voice does nor betray any emotion other tan curiousyly.

"Was? Of course not. You know me, i haven t fount anyinein quite a while. Even myself. Pplus, i'de rather stay our of it as much as i possibley can. I am orepared if i need to do anything, but they'll stay out of my hair if they know whats good for them." Swiss Cheese gathers the books in their arms and stands up.

"Do you want me to carry your books for you?" you look at fig an dsee taht they have ac ouple of your books in the r arms.

"Um, yes, Dankeschön." the books are piled high, reaching way past their head. "Oh goodnes, rhat is a lot of books. Here, let me-"  
I ook a couple of teh booos off the top so yha t Noot-rality does not have to carry so many, with their vison impared. "There. Ho w is that??? Can you see???"

"Yes, I cam! thank you seo much!Q"

"No, i shoukf be tahk0ing you! You are the kind person-that-is-not-rsally-a-person arring myt books! That means so much to me?? You are so sweeet, how could i ever repay ypu?" Swiss chocolate starts to walk lowsly whit th Newt-rally following close behnd.

"Really, it is no problemo, but if you could join me for cofee sometuinme, that would be, uh, really nice!"

"Kaffee? Ja, of course i will get coffee with you sometime!!"

UwU time sip UwU

(dont ask how long this 2is later whe honelsty have no clue)

"WOw, I;ve never been here before :0000000" Sweaterland remarder=d, as tehy entered a cute and cozy cafe, follong behind New-Reality. The little bell had run g as teh door had been opened but nobody really turned to look at them, besides the person behind teh couner.

"Yeah, Colonbia mae=kes the esbt coffee around these parts! I lve this place"

"Hello, what cab i cget fo er you guys?" sideways Romaisa asks.

Fig-New-ton and Sweatyland look at eachother, offering for tge othe r to order first nd teyn giggle-chuckle before Isascc Newtton insists that italy and Germany's love child goes fitrst. Swaziland orders a dark roast wityh a chocolate-pastry an =d Figgy-Pudding gets a medium roast with uh, oh yeah theu didnt get anything lol ahha

Chocolateland pays, despite Nude-Rally's protests, and they finad a cozt y corner aawy from teh other costimres to be able to taplk in pro=ivet. "Doesnt B&H have a coffee shpo closer go uh, i thik it's on central street?"

"Oh yeah, they do, byt I'm sure you ve been thier. I thigh t id take you someubwhere a bit mroe outlandish."

"I, ah so. This i s some delicuos Kaffee; Thanks fr taking e along."

"It is no pronlem! I enjot your company; makes me feel a bit less lonely, knowing ther is oemesonei can count on to be un my corner."

"Don't get ahefs of yourse; the war isnt over quite yet!" Suave-land gives a giggle that sets Tokyo-Mew-Mew's heart a fluttrer. They are so cute oh no

"Of course, how could i bee so hastly? Don't eb pulling an american and joining the war on me!" \

"T obe fair, they were neitral despitep pesterig s until Pearl Harbor.; Japna kind of pokid them just a bit tooo much with that one/."

"That is very true..." The two of you discruss the War and the progress and de-pregoress(is that wa word ifdk my English is crwap) of various countries. Of vourse, both of you having an aor fp an outsider, a non-bias view, trying ot not take any side in particular. It's nothing too poilitical, more, stTatistics. How is III Reich doing? Hw is U.K. doing? What are the possitions of nwighboring states who don't really want to partace in the fighting?

Before you know it, it's 13:00 and youre sctambling ot get your coat, and so is your comrade foin wallflowering. They help you into your jacket, even without hands an dfingers(Don't ask how use your imagination, pleb), and there is curtious and slightly flustered words exchanged from both sides.

"Oh, it's raingin outdies. DO you want my umbrella?" sleek, black, water resistant polyester(Did they have this kind of plastic then? Idk i dont have internet atm so i cant look it up :/ They probably didnt but i couldnt care less gthis isnt supposed to be taken seriously.) umbrellas is offered go the small red country.

"Oh, daanke. Wont you get whet if i take your unmrealls ?"

I shook my head. "No, i willbe fine. ny buss stop has an overhang, and it isnt too far from here. TRake it, i insist. Them you'll have ot return it to mw, one awat ort he other, meaningf ill get too see you again."

Blank, wide eyes flutter a vocuple of times gracious ly as their mind chews your words. Then they give a warm smike, "I'll be looking forward to being obliged tgo having ot see you again. I'll try to ge t it to you next Neutrality-get-together. The nexgt one is a luncheano, right?"

"You got it! Hop e to see you there. I'm going to make a run for it; I hope to see you again!!" the little bell at the top of yjteh door chimes sweetly, but not nrearly as sweetly as Swootyland's smile.

"Ich auch! I mean, um, I hope to see you again as well!"  
Fwoomp!  
The umbrella opnes and heels clatter quickly down the road.

It's always so nice to spend time with Netflix. They make your heart and stomacj=h do like, realyl weird stuff, but it isnt shooed away. You like the het your face feels when theyre around; it make s you feel, alive.

Is this waht love is?

Is it thei s intixicating feeling of always thinking about them? Theyre a;; you csan think about: their non-existant face, theire non-existant laugh, the way tehire non-existant eyes twinkle when challenged. The two of you have known each other for well, ahwile now. Since the fisrt time yiu laid youtr appareltny blind eues on them , you knew you teo had something special. What could it be? This weird thing called love?n You were alwasym, well, neutral towards love, until you thought about Neutrailty-Sepmai itse;f. ]

Youre hreat flutters.

Oh goodness, this si so confusing. How can you be in love iwth somethinhg that is not trhere?

Well, a noun is a person, place, thing, idea ond some othe rthing s you can't rremember at the moment, right? Neutrality-Senpai is an idea, and if therefore a noun. You can be in love with a noun, right?

"This is crazy; was kennst mich??  
"Jsut becaus e theyre a noun, doesnt mean i can be in love with it. Or can it?  
"this is all so confusing!!"

I rub my gace with the palms of my hands, maybe thinking somewhere in mu numbskull of a heead thet maybe itss rub aways all of my wierd thoughs.  
It didnt.

Worth a shot, right?

"Mabe i can tell the, somday. Not now, that would be all too sudden and awakward, but.....  
"Maybe sumeday."  
I themn proceeded to smither my fa e in the pillows on my bed.

OwOwOwOwOwO anothertimesip OwOwOwOwOwOwOwOwO

"Here's uoru umbrealla back!" *giggle*

"Glad i didnt go on a date with a thief," 

Neutrality-Senpai smurks at you. "d-date"???? Kepp your cool Swiss army knife, keep your cool. DOn't bomb this like Hiroshima and Nagasaki(IM SO SORRY)

"Ah 'date', oh? Didn't know you thought of ee that way." You smikrk right bac kat them and get the satifaction of seeming them flush a litte, but try to visibly keep heir cool.

"I'm just pulling your leg, Swiss. It was a,  
"friendlt date.  
"Yeah."

Oh.......................

What a punch to the liver that was.

Dont, actually punch someone in the liver taht could get you setn to prison.

"I see.  
"Well, I'll be around if you need me. Tschüss." they strut away, an icy aura now arounf the,.

Was that mayeb peddling too afr back? It seems you hurt teh littl ecountry's feelings....  
You didnt't mean to, you just don;r want....  
hm.

What DI you want?

That's a questionl.

You want Spitland to be happy: thats what you want.  
That's not too selfish, is it? I dont thonk it has to be with me, althiugh i'd love them to choose me to make them happy, but just seeing tehir smile would be more th an enough.

Yeah, taht siufbs like more rhat enough for your own happiness.

The rest of the get together, you try to get a second with the inverted Red Cros s but to no avail. Dang, why is it taht when all of the sudden you want to tell soemonw that you're theer for them, the author of this trianwreck deices to have ot to where the both of touy are preoccupie sd and can';t get a momnent alone??

You have to wait until the ver end, trimming short a convorsation with one of your #NuetrallityParty buddies, to catch up with the brisque(and brusque tgat worsks too() paced hodgepodge of cultrue and dialect(as many places in Europe are). Even trhen, the you have to jog in a non-existing suit to catch u o to them

"Swiss!  
"Hey, SWISS!" They don't hear me, espceially with all of this hub-bub of people(WOw is it lunch break or something sheesh).

They're crossing a street infront of you, strutting acroos the zebrea lines nibly in a skirt and heels(kudos). TIres screetch somewhere up ahead, bit you don't pay heed to rthem. You quicken your pace, calling ourt your friend's name.

And then you see it, the cargo truck burrling down the road, heading straight fpr Swiss-Cheese.

"SWISS!!!!!"

Sirens wail , voices collide, motors hum.

Everything's black.

Either that, or foggy colors too murky to roporly make out.

Maybe nboth.

Everythong hurts, my ears rung, my heaad was blacnke. this was not the ideal possition.

The asphalt was cold in cojme parts, warm in others. (wait did they have asphalt then idk i would think they would)

"nntrylty" a faint, foggy noise echos in your ears.  
It gets clearererer the next couple times the words' repeated.

And then, "NEUTRALITY."

i tried to answer with a yes, but my tongue felt heavy and fat in my head and it came out more to a "ysh" but even more slurred.

"Hold on, don't move. You've in no state to move yourself."

"wa happnd...?"

"You got hit by a truck, idiot!" tears spring to their eyes and your heart hurts. You still cant see very wrell, bit their head is silouettes against the overcast sky.  
Litterally and figurtivly.

WOW that really hurts.

"my chst..."

"I had to break a couple ribs for the CPR. You weren't responding and it was the last option im so sorry i-" wprds start to slurred in panic and tears.

"schhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhclamdwn"

"No,  
"No i can't 'calm down'. I could hear you and i couldn;t be bothered to look back and enage you. I'm so sorry; it's all my fault."

"yer not th one who ran oud inta the street." you try to llaugh.

Bad idea.

"Is evrie-one okay? where are the peopl in the truck? an the other opedstriands?"  
A couple tears fall on your non-existebnt cheeks and you hear a sniffle from teh shaking figure. Oh how you wish how you could hold the sad life-saver. A sleeve comes up and whipes at the eys.

"THey're fine; they're calling ein Krankenwagen. SOrry, uh, ambulence. You were the only one hurt; STOP TRYING TO GET UP." My head immediatly fell down again. "dont make me break more ribs. Those will be hell to repair." they laugh a couple seconds after saying it, a mixture between crying tears of unbelif of such a numbskull like ypu still being alive, and tehir own shock at sayin the joke. legit this would be the best time to bring up that one emoji that has so many meanings imo.

You try to laugh too but it comes out as horse anf the broken in ribs are causingquite a fuss about your lungs taking shakp breathes.

"Here, do you want to lay your heafd on my lap?"  
you nod or osmethinf you can't remeber but your non existent haed is gently moved to a warm lap covererd by a pleated skirt that always looke dvery classy and nice on them.

THe two of them sat there for a bit, as tehj amberlamps came and took Nut-Meledy to urgent care., I visited them in the hospital, as figgy pudding was still bed-riden. Those couple weeks of limbo in the hospital were well, a limob. iT was a nice lmbo, and of course, the idiot with many broken bones(and apparently a brain as well) insisted that they still to their duties of keepng the party, well, neutral.

Even non-#NeutralityParty members, ex or was never in it in te first place, cam e to visit. It was very sweet.  
I, of course, vivited most often, to a point where i grew to know them more than i had ever known them previously.

We talked about, well, a lot of things. CUrrent events, freids and not very friendyl friedns, both of your futures......

If one thing was established over teh time the tow of you spent togetherm, it was the mutual feeling of wanting the other to find true joy. Yes, sappy as hec, i know.  
But, "sappy" isnt bad, right? yeah, its not.... all that bad. You kind if like it. But that's besides trhe point.  
After about two weeks of being in the hospital, the doctor(and papers) came saying Fig-Neuton was healthy enough to be left unattended for about 2 seconds. So much freedom, i know.

"SO, do you want to gio anywher? now that youre no longer confided tk that hospital room?"

"How about dinner?" They looked up at the sky, measureing with tehir non-exixtant eyes about what the time of day was. 

"Yeah, food sounds good."

"Alright then. Habve anywhere in mind?"

"not particularly. I'd prefer to not get into a knife fight, buy you lead the way." I rolled my eyes and took their hand casually in mine, eading them like a puppy to one of my favorite places in town. Well, one of the places that had a lower probability of having s knife fight, wihc you are quite good at, if you may add.  
"Here we are. One of my favorite multi-cultural food places." Swiss gear, still casually clutching the other's non-exixtanr hand in theirs, pulled ta the door handle.

"Let me guess: it's a mix of Frecnh, German, and Italian food."

"How'd you guess?" the satire practicaly drips off the very words theu speak.

" i just had a hunch."

The hostess at teh stading podium immediatly recognizes my friedn and embraces them in a very excstatic manner an d rushes to the back, speaking what you assume to be Italian or Yiddish or, something. A few more come from teh kithcen, crowding around and embraceing the little gold leaf. Sweden converses joyously in what you've guessed is Italian and then directs their attention to you.

"This is my friend, Neautraily."

"Oh, so /this/ is the Neutrrality ive heard so much about, eh bella??????" theres a wink wink and then a nudge nigde tha t goes down between the young hostess and watch-kid.  
Red face flushing a little, they rty to say that its not lik ethat adn scrambles over words, switching in between languages, apparently in a panic.

"Swiss, im hurt; are you telling these nice folks taht I'm your date or something? How could ytpu not have told be about this?"

"No no! It's not like that, i swear!!!! o///o"

"I'm just pulling your leg; don't worry. Now, I'm starving. WHen's supper?"

The hostess whose been your partner in crime and helped fluster and jeer Swiggity, ushers trhe two of you into a comfy, plush booth with just enough room for only the two of you. "So what's good here?"

You look from yuour leather-bound menu to see red, white-stripped fingers covering a flushed, round face. The table isnt very large, so you can easily reach over and gently lay a hand on their wrist, your chest only hurting a little from puching against the side of the table a little.

"As cute as you look when you're flustered, Im sorry if i teased you a bit too harshly."  
Between fingers, you see an eye glare at you and then a heel kick your knee. "okay i deserved thT but Hoover Dam did that hurt."

"dont make me kick you again."

"I thougt you disliked being in conflict."

another kick to the knee.

"Don't test me, Baka."

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Now tell me what's good heer i need food anf my stomach id litteralky neverending."

Eyes are rolled but at least they seem mosre comfortable now. "Really, everything's good here............."

ONe yummy Euopean supper later,.................

"Wow, i am stuffed. Thanks for taking me out. The food was," I kissed the tips of my fingers and then brought the hand away from my face, and just got a friendly eyeroll in response.

"And you didnt ahave to get into a knife fight; i kept my word."

"Yes and im so proud of you. I know you could easily hold your own in a knife fight, but im not in teh best shape at the moment, if you couldnt tell."

"Really? I never would have guessed. I mean, i though the awkward way you hold yourself now was just a new thing you're trying out, or somethng."

"Hye, I'm owrking on it. My ribs still arent the most agreeable."

They chuckle and your heart hurts a little more than usual. "So, where are we going?"

"There's a boardwalk not too far from here, where you cn see the sunset. A nice plaec to end the night, don't you think?"

"Sure, sounds lovely."  
the tow of you walk, the orange light from the sinking sun casting a beautifl film over the scenic brick buildings stacked ontop of one another. It's a gorguos day and you hope hwat you're goigm to say at the boardwalk doesnt spoil such sa painting-worthy day.

the hollow wood thumps and occasionally squeaks as Newt-piety and I meander along the shore.

"Wow. It's so pretty. Thanks for bringing me here!"

"Of course."  
It's quiet for a bit, nto really any convosation between teh two of you. You're busy soaking up the environment arounf you: the rats in the sky, wwhich you never really minded, the rolling of the ocean, which has a hypnotic lulling to it, the pinks and oranges fo the beautiful sun obver the red-dyed ocean, and the thump thump thumping of the two sets of feet traveling listlessly aross its surface.  
"Swiss, there's something I need to tell you." My heart stopped.  
Oh goodness, what could it be?  
Is it good?  
Bad?  
Both and neither?

Somehow, i managed to say with a level bretahe, "Yes? What is it?"  
The slow wandering came to a slow brake, as Neutrality stared out onto the water, tall, handsome figure catching the suns rays on their non-existanyt features. My heart and stomach fluttered.

They looked down at me with an air of someone who's made up tehir mind an dcant be convinced to go aggainst what's i their head. This mildly frightens you, since you font know what's giong on in the idea's head.

"I've thought about this, a lot, actually. And recent events have, well.... Only cemented myt thoughts. Swiss, I-  
"Swiss, I want you to be happy. And I, I-um, I've bean, I want you to find someone who makes you happy. Whether taht's romantically ro not, i want you to have at least /someone/ who can make you smile, and laugh, adn d otaht adorable giggle you alwasy seem to unconscuosly do. I-  
"I want to be that person. I know, you may not return these feelings, but I love you.  
"There, i spit it out. Now you know how i feel. I don't expect you to feel the same, but-"

"Ih shush you."

aaaaaaaaand now your lips are touching. dont ask how i sersiotly have no idea.  
(Finally, we're at the juicy stuff. )

It was just a brief, light kiss, nothinf=g too invasive. But the llips were locked but I mean, there was none of the French action your bloobd was asking for, but it was a happy medium.

There were other people on the boardwalk, eben though there werent many, so it didnt last nearly as long as wither of them were hoping. But, its curtousy.

"So, 'guess that's out of the way."  
The tow of them walked to the edge of the hand rails that fell over the reverbarating tides, hand in hand.

Swiss cheese looked into Neutrality’s non-existent eyes and felt the non-existent arms around their waist

it was so perfect

the two of them

or, one

depending on whose perspective it’s from

they loved each other, and would never part.

"Let's always stay together, okay?" Swiss-cheese's voice was dreamy and light, honey-moonlove dripping from the ery words uttered from tehir mouth.

"I'll never leave you, my dear. You're my soul mate." Noob-Rationality kissed Swahili's head and they giggled liek a japanese school girl.

"Lets get married!"

"Yes let us go get married right away!"

"I now pronouce you uh,  
"COuntry and Idea.  
"You may, kiss the country(?)"  
(noboay understands their love dw uwu)

"And then, after Vaticanun City married us, we had children! 729939202, to be exact! " the happy couple holds hands on the couch, beaming with just, idk possitiity and freidnship and lve. Wholesome things i guess...?

"Wow.

"im, so happy for you two,,,,,,,?"

"Aw, thanks EU!"

"So are you gonna join my Reic-"

"no."

~The End~ uwu

**Author's Note:**

> Wow you made it to the end I'm so proud here take this gold star
> 
> No but actually, thanks for reading this,.... thing!  
This oneshot makes me wanna take more than one shot if you know what I'm sayin-  
...  
Yes I'm gonna write more one shots and fics oh goody goody gumdrops  
NotwhereyouthoughtIwasgonnagowiththathmmmmmm
> 
> Also this is my like, first time writing romance so you _know_ this is that good content you were looking for when you got onto AO3 to look for fan fantasies of personified countries.
> 
> Aaaaanyways, special thanks to my cool friends down on Dis who helped make this happen :) (If ya' wanna blame anyone, it's them shhhhh)  
(Jk this is entirely my doing ily guys <3)
> 
> I hope this was at least enjoyable and you have a nice day! 
> 
> Much love,  
-BreadedAndFried


End file.
